Are other people's children your problem? Does it matter what happens to other kids? For all our talk about family values, we still believe, on some level, that the nuclear family can exist in isolation, and that it alone bears responsibility for our children. In the strictest sense, of course, that's true:  the parents or caregivers have the primary financial and emotional responsibility for their kids. But children need so much more than that. They need a community.

Even two-parent households are not enough for children. They need older people, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends who make up their support network. And for kids with toxic parents—or absent parents—this need is greater still. Children need people they can rely on and people who will simply love them. How many? As many as possible.

Surrogate family members are vital for our children's well being. For myself, I don't know what I would have done without the surrogates in my life.

When we lived in a small, rural Texas town, there were many older people living there, and they befriended me and cared for me in ways that my own kin could not. Thanks to one set of surrogates in particular, I learned how to raise cattle, and it's because of their generosity that I was able to have a few cows and calves of my own, which generated money for me to buy a computer, among other things. Of course, a lot of the caretaking was done by Felix, my grandfather in every way except genetics, but for him it was a labor of love. I "helped" him to plow his fields, feed the cows, and take them to market. He taught me how to play dominoes, and sometimes I'd actually beat him. He talked to me about the importance of not doing things that would make you have to lie to the people you care about. He taught me more than I can ever hope to convey in this article. And I am grateful, and I love him still.

In addition to the numerous older people who cared for me and taught me so much, I had a few surrogate parents here and there, as well. I was fortunate enough to have an aunt who showed me a different view of what a mother could be. And I had an uncle who was gentle and kind, and who loved nothing better than being with and talking to his kids or his sister's kid. This uncle showed me a different view of what a father could be, which mattered a lot because I was mostly afraid of men because of my father's quick and careless temper. I learned that I didn't have to fear this uncle, which showed me that some men could be trusted. As a child, this was crucial.

You don't have to be in a toxic or abusive household to benefit from surrogates. Hillary Clinton said it best:  it takes a village to raise a child. This is still true. There are those who say that every child needs a mother and a father. Our children have two mothers, which is two more than some kids have. Some kids have two fathers, which is two more than some kids have. But even if a child has a mother and a father, they are not enough. They are not enough.

We are not meant to live disconnected from one another. We are meant to rely on each other, to help one another, and to love one another in our own unique ways. A child needs a loving village. A child needs old people, middle-aged people, young people, peers, and younger children. Only this can give them a balanced view of the world. Only this can truly maximize their learning potential, and their emotional potential.

It doesn't matter where you find this village, or what it looks like, as long as you find it. We found a way to give our children the community that is essential, and they dote on their "adopted" grandpa, who needs them as much as they need him. In our case, we found a church that works for us, but it doesn't have to be a church. Any group of loving, like-minded people that you are comfortable with will work. But in order to get there, you have to walk out your door, open your heart, and start talking to people.

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