You’re Not in Control

June 17, 2009 protest on Krimkhan Street in Tehran

June 17, 2009 protest on Krimkhan Street in Tehran

Most people try to control their world to some degree. We do whatever we think will make us feel secure, safe, and happy. Driven by the allure of safety and order, we believe that we can control our environment, our jobs, the people around us, and even society or the world at large. This belief, however, is an illusion that only serves to mask inner pain, constant worry, low self-esteem, and a deep-seated unhappiness in ourselves.

Control is an illusion for all of us, because of course we have control over practically nothing. It’s worth repeating:  we are not in control. Our egos will attempt to argue the point, but it’s useless. The only things we can control are the choices we make and how we react to situations. That’s it.

We are not in control of the other drivers on the road. We are not in control of whether our boss likes us. We are not in control of who our children are; we can’t even control whether they take a nap or not. We can provide guidelines and discipline, but our kids will be who they are and make their own choices, ultimately. And we cannot “prevent” so-called bad experiences from happening to us because, in the divine order of things, we need these experiences to learn and grow. However, we do have control over how we react to these experiences and deal with them.

For example, we can decide to be so irked with that guy who cut us off on the turnpike that it ruins our day. Which only hurts…us. Or we can shrug it off and let it go. We can decide that a medical challenge means that our life is over. Or we can find the gift in the experience and choose to live each moment to its fullest, regardless of the outcome. We can choose to worry and be upset, or we can choose to be positive and make the most of what’s been given to us.

Governments around the world are realizing how little control they have, as the people—awake at last—take to the streets and demand their rights. This doesn’t prevent any government from trying to maintain control, however. Many governments throughout history have used violence in an attempt to maintain power and control. Tiananmen Square, the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre in India, Bloody Sunday in Northern Ireland.  It can happen anywhere, including the U.S.:  the National Guard killed four peaceful protesters and wounded nine others in the Kent State shootings on May 4, 1970. In the summer of 1921, coal miners attempting to unionize fought the Battle of Blair Mountain against not only company men, but also area deputies and federal troops. President Warren G. Harding authorized the use of Army bombers, and World War I era gas and explosive bombs were used against the miners. Ultimately, however, the government failed to maintain the status quo, and this tragedy, along with others from the same era, eventually led to the enactment of reasonable labor laws in the U.S. Modern governments, no doubt, will also learn—again—how little they control.

Governments cannot control people when they choose to take their power. Nor can it control the economy or the markets. The most brilliant Ivy League financial mind cannot even predict with any real certainty what the markets will do, and all attempts at controlling it are feeble manipulations of what is, in truth, a chaotic system that responds to the emotional states of human beings. You might as well herd cats instead.

And of course, we can never control another human being. You can’t “force” democracy onto someone, even if you think it will make them happier in the end. We can create a temporary illusion of control at gunpoint, but most people will say anything when a gun is pointing at their head. To win the mind, one must win the heart, and even then, each person makes their own sovereign choices at the end of the day. You may earn some influence, but you will never have control.

Why do we have the need to control things we can’t? The issue is largely one of TRUST—the lack of it. A control freak does not trust anyone. Some people are so distrustful of even their spouse and children that they feel like they have to do everything themselves—because no one else in the family “does it right.” The result? A person who has overburdened themselves to the breaking point and can’t accept help—because they don’t trust that anyone else will perform the tasks to their satisfaction.

For people in power, of course, they don’t trust their own power. In fact, they have given it away:  they rely on others to validate their power by doing what they say. In short, they have given their power to the things they wish to control, and they become controlled instead. Let’s take the late Kim Jong-Il, for example. He had no self-esteem, no real self-worth. The only way he has figured out how to feel better about himself is to exercise power over other people, so he did that. He told people what to do, and he felt better. But then he worried about his power. Was it enough? As he squeezed more tightly, he increased his attempts to control the people whose sole purpose was to validate him. But the main issue was still there:  inside, he didn’t really like himself much. He worried that other people didn’t like him, either. He didn’t trust himself to be enough. So he kept looking for external validation. He needed it, just like a drug. And he was controlled by it.

So what should you trust? Yourself, for one. And your own power. Your power has nothing to do with how many people agree with you or jump to attention when you enter the room. Your power is independent of other people and situations. Your power comes from the one Source:  the Universe, God, the Divine, whatever you want to call it.

If you are trying to control your world, then you do not trust this Source. God has our best interests at heart, and always will. God will handle things for our highest good, all the time. The only thing we have to do is actually listen to that small, quiet voice in our hearts that will lead us to our true happiness. The voice of the mind, the ego, shouts down the voice in the heart whenever it can, and most people listen to the ego instead of the heart. They take the safe job that provides security and “pays well” instead of pursuing their dream. Maybe they marry a person of the opposite sex, even though their heart points in another direction. Whatever it is that our heart tells us, that is God saying, “Trust me. Your heart’s desire, your soul’s purpose, lies on this path. Trust me to fulfill your dreams. Trust me to take care of you.”

If you listen to this voice, and if you trust this voice, you will have everything your heart desires, you will make it through any challenge, and you will find your happiness. And when you relinquish control, you will find your freedom as well.

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